for those lost

a friend of mine gave this link to me: http://opinion.inquirer.net/inquireropinion/columns/view_article.php?article_id=68730. it is an article by ceres doyo about the disappeared.

while being away from manila and living a seemingly peaceful life here in hong kong, this one surely helps in making me want to go back home. and if i cannot, just continue speaking up my mind and opening others' minds to the painfully real issues of our country. we can do something about it.

here is an excerpt of that article.

Numbers are cold. Behind the numbers are names. Behind the names on the list are real persons. They had lives, they have families, friends and communities that grieve for them and have become diminished because of their disappearance.

Here is a story I wrote more than 20 years ago, about two mothers who found the remains of their sons. I exhumed it, so to speak, while my thoughts were flying to the families of the missing, especially the family of Jonas Burgos who disappeared last April. Jonas is the son of the late Joe Burgos who fought for press freedom.

Here are excerpts from the story. Was this so long ago?

* * *

“Dig here!” she ordered. “Dig! My son is buried right here where I stand.” No one quite believed Henedina Portugal, but when the men shoveled the earth and turned it over, there was her son, Celso, slowly becoming a part of it all.

The place is called Gethsemane, somewhere at the Umalag Crossing … and many refer to it as the place where “salvage” [summary execution] victims are buried.

Manang Dina herself could not quite explain how she knew her son was buried right there. In prayer she had begged that her son be returned to her. “Where is he? Return him to me,” she pleaded.

Her boy Celso was all of 16, in his third year in high school, when he disappeared. He had been missing for two years along with three others…

It had been a long, painful search. There had been prayer rallies on behalf of the missing, habeas corpus hearings, a letter to military authorities, but all these had yielded minimal results. She then had to find her own leads, track down possible witnesses.

Her two older sons are military men, one a corporal and the other a draftee. They had been very upset about the fate of their younger brother…

Looking back on the day of the exhumation in Gethsemane, Manang Dina said she was grateful to a lot of people, especially those witnesses who had given her leads…

In her home are prominently displayed photographs of Celso. But, she said, “When my older sons in the military come home, I hide the photos. It hurts them to remember their dead brother. Revenge is not yours, I tell them.

“Whose side am I on? I don’t know. All I know is that we have not broken any rules. But they call us rebels. If that is what we are, then we are Christian rebels. The church is full of us on Sundays. Who are the rebels—the ones who steal or the victims?

Manang Dina’s thoughts turned to Celso: “I raised him, took care of him. When he burned with fever I would rush him to the hospital. But they made him into a raw dish.”

In another scene … another mother.

Cry, cry, the women urged her. It is better that you cry. But she wouldn’t. Only much later would she let it all out, her sobs intensifying with every thud of the shovel that would give her some pieces of her son.

"Ay anak, pastilan anak"… she called out, ever so softly … She was weeping now, painfully beautiful in her sorrow as all mothers are. (I have her lamentations on tape and photographs of her while she waited.) The nuns gently led her to the shade of a coconut tree, while her husband held her close to him.

It rained that afternoon, making exhumation even more difficult. The air reeked with the stench of rotting flesh. Here were lumps of hair, then a piece of bone with flesh on them. Whose were these? Where were the skulls? The limbs?

* * *

Parang kailan lang, as the song goes. Persons still disappear and are never found.

after a long period of non-usage

this is probably how my brain looks like now after not using it for a long time.

Poland targets 'gay' Teletubbies

puros kabaklaan muna ang ipaglalagay ko dito. let me be the alternative reader's newsguide to gay activism. maraming salamat sa bbc at kay adam easton na malay ko kung bakla pero sumulat nitong article mula sa warsaw.

Senior Polish official has ordered psychologists to investigate whether the popular BBC TV show Teletubbies promotes a homosexual lifestyle.

The spokesperson for children's rights in Poland, Ewa Sowinska, singled out Tinky Winky, the purple character with a triangular aerial on his head.

"I noticed he was carrying a woman's handbag," she told a magazine. "At first, I didn't realise he was a boy."

EU officials have criticised Polish government policy towards homosexuals.

Ms Sowinska wants the psychologists to make a recommendation about whether the children's show should be broadcast on public television.

Poland's authorities have recently initiated a series of moves to outlaw the promotion of homosexuality among the nation's children.

Tinky Winky's psychological evaluation is being treated fairly light-heartedly by many people here.

One radio station asked its listeners to vote for the most suspicious children's show. Some e-mailed in, saying that Winnie the Pooh had only male friends.

Even Ms Sowinska has backtracked a little, insisting that she does not believe the Teletubbies is a threat to the nation's children. But the evaluation is still going ahead and her office can recommend that the show should be taken off the air.

Poland was criticised recently after its education ministry announced plans to sack teachers who promote homosexuality.

Last month the European Union singled out Poland for criticism in its resolution condemning homophobia in the 27-member bloc.

Paano nga ba gumagalaw ang cursor kapag ginalaw ang mouse

This is probably the best discovery ever! (click the title.)

Mr President

This is a song that makes me believe that I can make a change. This is a song that makes me believe that many people who have died for what they believed was right are worth-dying for. This is a song that makes me believe that we can stand up to an enemy so big and powerful and bring it down so strongly and unitedly.

Many a media these days are becoming vehicles for progressive ideas and actions. This is one of those.

Let's listen to Pink, together with the Indigo Girls, who courageously delivered this very powerful statement amidst the raging discontent and resistance of people against a system that has reared its ugly head.

----------------------------------

Dear Mr. President,
Come take a walk with me.
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me.
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly.

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?
What do you feel when you look in the mirror?
Are you proud?

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why?

Dear Mr. President,
Were you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
How can you say
No child is left behind?
We're not dumb and we're not blind.
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pave the road to hell.

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine.

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye?

Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
Oh

How do you sleep at night?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Dear Mr. President,
You'd never take a walk with me.
Would you?

1 open lettreaux ng 1 zhoklang poz (fart 1)

zeesters,

truelala, ang zhoklita nieng itrelz ay hivang! amang, aym poz! ad itrelz ang chaff-ter wan ng aking iztoryamelZ.... (come in, charo.)

deux years na ang nakakalifas nang zhaganaf ang mga ek-ekan za pagitan kez at ni samo hung. oo, weakness ko ang mga mashushuva! i was, and am, a chub chaser.

ang zhoklitang itrelz kinareer ang lalaki for quite a while. and finally at that moment, when feeling ko talaga i am so head over heels in love kay jumbo hotdog with kakalog-kalog, manaaazh, wang plastic balloon. enter the dragon ang feel ni joe with his candy and chugchug ever. avkarz, lavs keau zya nez kaya witchelz kever sa absence of the plastic bag. naniniwala kasi ako sa recycling and conserving....

... at ayun, sa pounyetang kare-recycle na yan, ayun akez ang tinamaan. less than five months after, inattrack na ang napakagandang katawan kez ng tinatawag neelang ZERO CONVERSIENNE....

ano ang ZERO convergence? complete breakdown of your immune system. tatae ka ng tatae - diarrhoea. lalagnatin ka at sasakit ang ulo - fever and flue. sisipunin ka with matching uvez - cough and colds. at tutubuan ng kung anik-anik sa katawan - spots or whatever you call it.

i experienced everything except the diarrhoea. nakakalukra nga kasi that happened days before a big international conference of which i was one of the key secretariat. ay ang bakla, nang nategras, pasa load ever na ang trabahelz sa mga chuva friends and loved ones!

hindi ko pa sya beyonce knowles na ganez pero me feeling na akez. months before pa nga knows na ng baklang ituu. ang chenes na sumo wrestler me eczema, a month after ng jugjugang inakala kong pagmamahal (anak ng putanesca! chareng!) nagkaron akez.

it was only 9 months after had i mustered the courage to have a check up. hahahaha, nakakalukra pa, sa sauna pa sya naganap. nagbigay ng wiwi at hinintay ang resulta one week after.

at yun na, mga vatla, i was poz. buntis ako.

buntis ng human immunodeficiency virus.

fascintaveois

mahirap maging interesado sa ibang mga bagay.

lalo na kung may mga kaibigan kang kinikidnap. katulad ni jonas burgos. jayjay ang pangalan, anak ng isang batikang mamamahayag na si joe burgos. dinukot di umano ng mga militar sa ever gotesco sa quezon city.

lalo na kung may mga batang pinapatay ng mga militar. tulad n grecil. 9 years old. tinamaan sa siko at ulo ng mga bala mula sa militar. inauksahang child warrior o member ng NPA. singtangkad nya lang ang M16 na sinasabi ng militar na bitbit-bitbit nya sa isang kamay.

iba na ang dati sa ngayon. pero marami pa ring pagkakapare-pareho.

magpapanibagong-mukha ata ang aking online diary...

poz

ganun pala yon.

may ilang sawimpalad sa napakaraming sexually active na kalalakihan na oras mag-unsafe, tama agad. may mga sadyang napakaswerte't hada ng hada, oknis ng oknis, jekjek ng jekjek, hindi man lang tinatablan ni aida.

karaniwan, pinakamalaki ang tama sa mga bottom at bottom-vers, pumapangalawa ang mga vers as in vers at cumming in third ang mga top. ang mga infant babies na mahilig dumede may chances din daw although not as much as those going for the a.

(ang mga lesbyana? keber. hahaha, next blog entry na lang to!)

kissing does not necessarily give it away, unless those engaged have open lesions in their mouths, have bloody gums... di na lang exchange of saliva ang nagaganap dyan. isang galong laway ang kakailanganin para mahawa ka, kung wala kang sugat o yung partner mo. isang patak ni dugotsina at, zooom, thinking positive ka na.

drinking somebody else's piss? i have no idea. have to surf the net for that and inquire with my expert friends.

as for me, how i got it, i didn't really ask. isang factor yon. di ko tinanong kung positive sya o hindi. i was very trusting, actually very naive and stupid to even think about it.

virginal ba ang dating ko non, ang feel ko? na parang after we do it, magsasabi na sya ng i love you at mabubuhay kami ng maligaya habambuhay.

hindi na sya nagpakita pagkatapos non. so much living happily ever after.

i was not in love but i felt we were good. it felt good. i didn't mind not seeing him again.

until 13 months after.

one of kennedy town's roads. on a saturday afternoon.

nic

two nights ago a friend and i chatted. let's call him nic.

we had sex some months ago and i think we both enjoyed it. he had never been with a man for quite a while as he was deeply closeted and feared the ultimate destruction of a carefully-established career once the whole wide world finds out he is freakingly gay. he is latino so i am still trying to fathom why he thinks it.

we have been chatting for quite a while. we talked on the phone for what seemed to be hours, or days. i liked his latino slang while he enjoyed my onomatopeic aw-aws! i think we were beginning to like each other.

cut to the chase. i told him a few weeks back i was positive.

he didn't flinch, or so i thought he didn't, when i broke that news to him. i wouldn't actually know how he was feeling as the whole conversation, the spilling of the beans was made online.

he said he was fine, which of course i felt was not true. it would eventually sink on him and he would get back at me. and he did.

two nights ago, he finally expressed himself in the best written messages possible.

he said he felt bad that i lied but that he was not angry. he could work still but not sleep because of what i said. he said he liked me but couldn't think how else to go with it.

i said sorry. i apologized. for lying.

i encouraged him to take the test again even if i have assured him that i could not have possibly infected him... no, there was no assurance. there never is.

if dumbfoundedness were a word, i could have written it. no amount of emoticons could equal or best grasp how i felt that very moment.

he thanked me, bade goodby and left. he went offline, gone invisible. i got quiet and everything around me kept mum as well. silence gripped me and the only thing that seemed to make a sound was the bunch of blinking message boxes from other online friends.

i didn't know how to feel. i was numb for a long time.




i miss nic.

swimming

(according to one australian company, they have found the wonderbra for men - makes yours look fuller than what you really have. imagine if you are already innately full.)

nagswimming ako ngayon at jusme ang dami na namang lalake!

potatoes (mga puti), mga chenez, pinoy na kumikyemeng nepali o chenez, beefy big men papa, mga payatola kumeinih, ngongo, mga chuckies at isang napakashongkad na chekwang papa na feel mong bading kasi sya lang ang may bag na puti with pink piping.

lahat sila ay nakahilata sa lazy chairs o flooring, nanlilimahid dahil sa naglalawang tanning oil o lotion, nakagulantang ang mga bukol na dumudungaw every now and then sa kanilang smaller-than-their-usual-size trunks na posibleng nabili sa fridae.com, hom, arena, ginch gonch o sa mga suking sari-saring wagwagan cum factory outlets sa tung chung, kwai hung, tsim sha tsui at stanley.

ako? nagswimming ng nagswimming, nakibabad din at humarap kay haring araw for more rest pero bumalik sa swimming after a few minutes. ang ganda ng mga dinggerzing pinay, mabilis tayong mag-tan, silang mga tsekwa't puti, hinde!