New Love

"We don't have to choose between love or struggle, but only between the ways in which we will love one another. We can do it selfishly, escaping from reality, or we can do it by living in the real world and struggling to change it. Love can then become encouragement and mutual support in that struggle. Hsi-ehr's feelings are not incompatible with her...commitment; they are an expression of it."

Ang Pagbabalik ni Banban

The man in my life who has become the man of many others' dreams: Banban.

Also known as Steven Cock, this 2-year old half-British, half-Pinoy kid has great potentional of becoming either a showbiz material or a heart breaker (porn is out of the question. bata pa ang hitad na to.)

He has painlessly won people's hearts with his striking good looks, innate charms and incredible antics. As previously mentioned, he speaks four different languages quite proficiently and does away with stupid baby talk. (okay, baby talk isn't stupid, only those adults who talk that way to children.)

One night, dinner was ready for the feasting in the domestic workers' shelter but the residents (the clients staying there) were either too lazy or sleep to eat. They won't budge from their bunkbeds which were only a few steps away from the dinner table. Banban, having gotten used to the shelter's director calling out on the people to eat, noticed her not doing it. Instinctively, he ran into the women's quarters, mustered all the strength he can gather and screamed, "Filipinas, Indonesians, MAKAAAAAAAN!"

With that, he became the youngest director in the shelter, earning both laughter and admiration from the residents who loved him all the more.

But of course, he has his antics and sweet ways. For sure, either way he swings in the future, he will be a very perfect lover. Uncannily funny, albeit not so disturbing, he would run up to me or any of his dads saying he would kiss my "susu" and he would. (asus, orally fixated ang batang ito. at sa susu pa!)

Kung ilang susu man ang hahalikan nya in the future, wala na akong pakialam. In eight days time, he will leave for the Philippines for good and will be sorely missed.

Pilipinas, game ka na ba sa isang Banban? Game na game na!

Yosi Break

Walang sabi-sabi ang body beautiful ko kapag feel kong magyosi.

Hindi nya sinasabi sa aking stressed out na ako at kailangan ko nang manigarilyo. Walang kaabug-abog na bigla na lang maninigas ang aking mga kalamnan at kailangan ko nang i-rush sa tambayan ng mga Hufflepuff sa Jordan. Just when I want to, I smoke.

Katulad ngayon:

1) Nagbloghop ako and I realized that I have not been writing nor bloghopping the past few days. There was just too much work to do. And even if it will only take me seconds to sneak into the virtual journals of bloggers extraordinaire, I never got to do it. Kahit wa namang expectations na dapat dumaan ako, I feel the need to check and drop by every now and then. Hindi naman ako feeling frustrated. Walang urge na humitit ng nikotina.

2) Nanggaling ako sa duktor ko kanina at nalaman kong mababa ang CD4 count ko. Ibig sabihin non, mababa ang aking immune cells, which would literally translate to that possibility of taking the dreaded cocktail. He scheduled an immediate bloodtaking this August and a date with him two months after. Pag mababa pa rin daw, asahan ko na ang medicine cabinet sa bag ko araw-araw. Hindi naman ako na-stressed out. So wang yosi.

3) Nagchat kami ni O sa MSN. Padating sya ngayong Wednesday at magdidinner kami ng gabing yon. Me karelasyon na sya and, to top that, ikakasal na sila. Special friends kami, ayon sa kanya. Hindi ako makapag-isip ng isasagot. Tanga-tangahan ang baklang ito at feel pa rin ang Pranses. Punyemas! Pero again, di naman ako napalupasay sa isang kaibigan at nanawagan ng mag-SUBA CHUVA (chikahan habang nagyoyosi.)

Katatapos ko lang magyosi kani-kanina lang. And I realized how I have learned to develop opinions of my own on things, not be easily stressed out by whatever no matter how trivial or alarming, and take charge.

Nagyosi break ako on my own. And I thought about Maruja and his Sunday specials. I thought about Pat and his comments. I thought about the deleted comments in one LTE entry. And everything about blogging.

And I blogged. Kahit ilang mga nakaw na sandali lang mula sa trabahong mas demanding, mas nakakaloka, pero mas maganda kay Annabel Rama.

(photocourtesy: www.smokingiworld.com)

Thriller!

913,813 views. 1,444 comments. 5,962 times favorited.

Forget about the meme. Forget all those Hong Kong musts. There are definitely lots of much better things to do with one's idle time.

Like this one:

I blurted the loudest guffaw in my entire lifetime as a gay person upon seeing this flick. O, ito pa ang isa. Sister Act naman - watch mo si Sisteraca!

Ingenious are the minds of those who thought this up, uploaded it in youtube and have everyone enjoy these men's tour-de-force. I for one was humbled by these men's willingness to cooperate and spend time and energy to perfect these god-dang presentation. Kudos to Byron F Garcia, whoever you are, for having us see them.

It was a sight to behold and surely worth the loudest round of applause and a grand standing ovation.

Gay men, and ladies, let's give it a round for the 1,500 men of the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center!

Bungga sina kuya! Bungga din ang mga atee!

Hong Kong Musts

HONG KONG is expensive - from the best-tasting peking ducks to a day's visit to Disneyland to renting a flat equaling the size of your banyo.

BUT Hong Kong can be pretty affordable and fun, if you choose it to be. Sometimes, you don't need to feel like earning a five-digit salary to live in Hong Kong.

We have Mongkok and the Night Market to visit for pretty good buys. Better buys can be found somewhere along Sham Shui Po or those mini-eskinitas in Kowloon Side, the New Territories and some lucky-if-you-find-it shops in Causeway Bay.

Bago ako ma-carried away ng justification para maenjoy ng husto ang HK, these are three musts for the month:

MUST WEAR - H&M Shades
Sa halagang 50HK$ (300 sa pesos) makakabili ka na ng shades. Better than I2I na mabibili nga ng mumu dyan sa Pinas pero mukha ka namang nagwo-walk sa buwakanang buwan dahil sa matinding grado nito! Epek na ang cheap shades - it is neat and cool, not flashy and ultra-expensive. Just take good care of it - it doesn't come with a case.

MUST EAT - Nepali food
Kung trip mo ang medyo tamer version ng Indian cuisine, go-lah sa mga colorum shops either sa Jordan o Yuen Long. Sa halagang 20HK$, makakain ka na ng Nepali adobo (choices of pork, fish, chicken or mutton), tarkari (gulay cooked in butter and some curry), freshly-sauteed greens (gulay pa rin pero with ginger and little oil), a few slices of fresh carrots or cucumber, and loads of dal (sabaw nila na may beans). You need a connection though to get there. Iligal dahil nga colorum. Pero naman, pwede kang magsecond serving!

MUST KNOW - Gay sites and stuff
Galaxy. 5F, Rainbow and Jungle Club are gay saunas in Kowloon Side. Central Escalator, Hunk and Towel Club are those in Hong Kong Side.

Gay karaokes are found mostly in Tsim Sha Tsui while gay bars and discoes like Propaganda, Club 97 and Volume are somewhere within a few minutes radius of Lan Kwai Fong.

G, DS and sometimes HK magazine are helpful guides to exploring that gay side of the territory. And they are all free. You can find them in any possible shop - from Page One to some 7-11 stores, the bars, everywhere. Kung wala ng time, check the Utopia website for more helpful information and even wonderful feedback from HK habitues. If you feel like letting your hair down, the road is yours to walk on!

Bilang panghuli, isa ito sa mga pinakamagagandang ad posters ng mga tsekwa ng Hong Kong? Gawa sa Dexas!

Meme-yak!

Maraming salamat kay Megan (o, correct spelling yan ha?) at mineme nya ako dito.

Kahit pa hanggang ngayo'y hindi ko pa rin alam ang ibig sabihin ng meme, sasagutin ko pa rin ito. Niresearch ko na ang lahat ng mga bunggang answers ng mga bloggers kaya with much chutzpah and chuva, ito na zha:

Three things that scare me:
1. Maggots cum Horror Movies
2. Yung portrait ng isang santo sa Immaculada Conception Church sa Pasig
3. Ang pridyider na nangrape kay Janice de Belen

Three people who make me laugh:
1. Ang mga bayot sa Mindanao
2. Ang mga bayot sa blog
3. Ang pamilya kong may isa pang bayot – parang kina Megan, we revel in the innate meanness of my family

Three things I love:
1. Marketplaces - mas masarap pa rin ang palabok sa palengke kesa sa Goldilocks!
2. Food and culture
3. Kissing passionately

Three things I hate:
1. Racism and racists
2. Censorship
3. The wide gap between the rich and the poor

Three things I don’t understand:
1. Why gay people don’t want to talk about HIV and AIDS
2. Brilliant people – parang ang dami talagang nilang naiisip at nagagawa!!!
3. Why Gloria cannot seem to cover up her hypocritical self

Three things on my desk:
1. Isang malaking tumbler ng papaya shake
2. Gudang garam yosi
3. Limpak limpak na post-its

Three things I am doing right now:
1. Listening to GMA-7’s official statement on Angel Locsin
2. Wondering what's happening with the LTE
3. Planning my whole week’s work

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. Perform a winner presentation onstage in front of a million people
2. See virtually all the people in this blog community
3. Help build the gay movement

Three things I can do:
1. Get thin fast and get fat faster.
2. Bloghop, read and comment for thirty minutes.
3. Hand-write personal letters to friends.

Three things I can’t do:
1. Cause my prostate to curl into a full-blown fallopian tube
2. Magplantsa – maglalaba’t maghuhugas na lang ako ng pinggan!
3. Magpa-noselift.

Three things I think you should listen to:
1. Yourself
2. The masses
3. I let you decide

Three things you should never listen to:
1. Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
2. People who ostracize, alienate, demean or put you down
3. Self-help book authors – hindi sila totoo!

Three things I would like to learn:
1. Develop a blogsite
2. Make a documentary
3. Court a man

Three favorite foods:
1. Bagong lutong bagoong with kare-kare
2. Luncheon meat
3. Oatmeal na binuhusan ng malamig-lamig na gatas

Three shows I watched as a kid:
1. Saturday Fun Machine sa Channel 9
2. Wonder Woman sa Channel 9 pa rin
3. TV commercials

Three people I am tagging:
1. Bananas
2. Jase
3. Chase

ALAAARM: Cum blogs

I don't want to sound like an all-knowing, self-righteous convert. But right now, after passing through some blogs linked to a blog of somebody who placed in a very clean game initiated by a fellow blogger, I cannot fully disagree that what I saw was totally mortifying, insidious and totally tasteless.

It was a blog that exhibited pornography - the freest way to link penis and penis fight pictures and videos online. Yes, it was mainly a blog for hot and horny gay men. But I am pretty sure there are blogs of other sort.

What if by chance kids below 18 get to link to that blog? It's all free and very easy!

Suddenly, it reminded me so vividly of stories of children and pre-pubescents who were lured by old or even young adults into perverted sex and child pornography through websites, online dating, SMS and other easy technology.

I do not condone the existence of these sites. But if these bloggers cannot help it, they should have at least the compunction to observe online ethics and put everyone on a pay-per-view or purely invitational basis.

We don't want anyone policing our ranks but we have to police our own. With freedom comes responsibility.

Mga bloggeeeeeeeeeeeeers, papayag ba kayo dito?!!!!!!

Ako, HINDE!

Gawad Chaka: SONA ni Gloria 2007

One hour and two minutes. One hundred three rounds of applauses. So many accomplishments, so many promises, so many people mentioned. So many lies, so many white lies.

This is Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo's State of Nation Address this afternoon. And according to her, the SON is STRONG!

Strong sya dyan! Paanong magiging strong eh yung mismong mga public works and highways sa Mindanao, the place with the most scandal-riddled election cases, ang mga tanging pinagsasabi nya? We all have to remember that although these accomplishments do sound impressive at first glance, the DPWH fights with the Department of Education for being the most corrupted state department!

May Gawad Saka pa sya na in passing nya lang sinabi. How can there ever be genuine land reform samantalang her regime has fully liberalized agriculture? Remember how the vegetable farmers in Baguio were protesting against the influx of cheaper but bigger carrots, onions and cabbages from Vietnam and Thailand? Talk about agri-business.

This strong state Arroyo brags about is nothing but the strong-willed position of her government to liberalize the Philippine economy. Kaya mahalaga ang mga roads, airports at roro ports para sa madaling shipping ng mga cheap raw materials for export at ang pagpasok ng mga overproduces mula sa ibang bansa. She wants the plunder of our national patrimony fast and furiously accomplished!

Going beyond that, Arroyo was very safe. She barely touched on the most delicate issues - corruption, extrajudicial killings, the exploitation of migrant workers, etc! She veered away from any negative (positive? meron ba?) reactions. She wanted a safe mode, wang normal mode.

Asus, kaya naman ang mga kongresistang nagfeeling dumalo sa Oscars 2007 eh nagdalawang isip pa muna ata bago pumalakpak? For those who witnessed Arroyo's SONA, weren't the milli-second gaps before the expected applauses SO SO SO obvious? And when she mentioned hindi tumaas ang presyo ng mga bilihin, it took a full two seconds before anyone ever clapped?

Haaaaay!

Optimism is infectious? It is your opportunism that is.

And talk about a giant Freudian slip: THE GREAT BLOOD. I wonder if the first Gawad Chaka winner ever had bad dreams of the activists she had ordered killed?

Blogging is healthy.

Come to think, I am beginning to really like blogs.

They are very easy to read. One can comment freely but responsibly, learn a lot about a wide variety of things, and be pretty amazed by the depth of people's perspectives and interests, and sometimes the dearth of it.

It is a healthy alternative for people who want to leave their bad habits or vices behind. It is catharsis for those who seem to have noone else to talk or disclose his/her deepest emotions to. It is a good diversion or a quicker way to relax if you feel so overloaded with work at the office.

It is like Alcoholics Anonymous, you'll feel safe even if you share that most hidden part of you. Unless you put a picture of yourself and revealed your full name and contact details.

You can speak up without being committal. You win new friends but not necessarily be indebted to them for life.

This is purely an emotive me talking. I haven't really researched on the whole blog thing, its communities, the links and all those honorific ways to develop into seemingly new lifeforms.

Hindi ko pa alam paano sila nagmu-mutate. Hindi ko pa alam ang cloning possibilities nito. But it is virtual so I guess blogging can extend beyond the capacity of one's mind, whether hard-working or idle.

I better head back to work now. If I stay any longer, it won't be healthy.

(Photocourtesy: Eddie)

We will not bow down

With the great surge of emotions I am feeling right now, thanks to winner gurl Jase, I had this song I learned from student activists in the Philippines who in turn learned the song from migrant youth activists in the US. With minor revisions, if you please:

We will not bow down to (aha) racism
We will not bow down to (aha) oppression
We will not bow down to (aha) exploitation

So what're you gonna do?

I'm gonna stand up. I'm gonna stand up!

Coz I can't tolerate:

(aha) racism, (aha) oppression, (aha) exploitation

I'm gonna stand up. We're gonna stand up!

(photocourtesy: www.deserteursberatung.at)

Bust Those Ads!

There's something strange in your fast food burger? Whom you're gonna call? ADBUSTERS!

Una kong nakita ang Adbusters magazine sa unang byahe ko sa Europa. Halos apat na oras ako sa Frankfurt International Airport habang hinihintay ang eroplanong magtatapon sa akin papuntang Espanya.

Ang natitirang Euro coins sa aking bulsa, imbes na ipambili ko ng tsokolateng pangtanghalian, ay inilaglag sa malaking kamay ni Manong Aleman at sabay hablot sa aking kauna-unahang Adbusters.

Aliw na aliw ako sa kanya - sa Adbusters. Makulay, creative! So me, so young! So critical, so political pero patok na patok sa youth na katulad ko! Chika!

Nginabngab ko ang bawat pahina ng magasin. Every now and then, susulyap ako sa paligid at pag walang nakatingin, yayakapin ko sya ng mahigpit. Ito lang ang tanging pagkakataong pinangarap kong fumly ng Canada para mabisita ang kanilang main office.

True, isang malaking tulong ang Adbusters sa mga aktibistang nais magreach out sa mga young urbanites na deadma sa mga social issues. Kapag nauubusan na ng mga creative juices, surf the web and find adbusters agad.

Gamay ng editorial staff nila ang kiliti ng mga kabataang taga-syudad, lalo na yaong nasa Global North, kaya't tumpak ang mga pakana nila sa pinakamalaking sektor ng mga consumers sa isang lipunan.


Nasapol, nabulls-eye nila ang paggamit ng mga advertisements para ibatong pabalik ang usaping "social responsibility" sa mga hitad na mga gajiganteng komersyanteng yang nagtatamasa at nagsasamantala sa ating yamang likas at lakas. (ay, feel kong nasa tuktok ulit ako ng dyip sa mendiola at nagpopropaganda na naman?)

Mahalaga ang ganitong mga pakana, katulad ng youtube, e-forums at iba pang internet-based creativity, to catch the fancy and hopefully the full attention and commitment of young people to be social involved once again.

The multinational companies, many of whom already monopolize various industries and produces, have millions to spare for their advertisements, enough to overload the young minds, keep them diverted and soon indifferent to the harsh realities of poverty, inequality and injustice, and feel that everything is a need to be purchased, to be owned.

Marami silang pera pero kapos ang mga ideya. Eye-catching lang pero walang laman. Ang mga socially involved, pumayag man silang tawaging aktivista o hindi, ay gumagamit ng utak, damdamin at kaalaman, pagsisiyasat at pakikisalamuha sa dagat ng sangkapipolan para makabuo ng mga magaganda, magagara pero nangangagat at nakakakiliti-sa-isip na mga gimik.

They have quantity. We have quality.

May positibo sa Adbusters. Pero may mga challenges pa rin para sa kanila. Hindi sila perfect pero isa silang maaasahang balon ng mga creative resources. I may not agree with some of their positions on issues but I hail my thinking cap on them. Ginamit ang creativity para sa isang may saysay na paglaban.

(Photocourtesy: http://adbusters.org)

Ang mga Kelot sa Hang Kang

At umariba na naman si Abba nung isang araw.

Habang hinihintay ang visa sa US matapos matanggap sa The Simpsons Musical, nagkandirit ang baklang gaganap sa role na Bart sa kahabaan ng Nathan Road. Mainit ang panahon, napansin nya. Nagpapawis sya ng purple - mula sa cheap Nepali dye na iginugo nya sa kanyang heavenly locks kaninang umaga.

Pero deadma ang bakla. Dineadma ang purple sweat habang napatigalgal sa nakitang mga kalalakihang half-hubad na nakalambitin sa mga bamboo scaffolding na popular sa HK at nagpapalit ng mga giant karatula sa mga buildings, na nagtutulak ng mabibigat na water containers ng Cool o Bonaqua, nagbubuhat ng kahun-kahong durian, mangga at mansanas sa fruit market, nagdedeliver ng mga a-phone-call-away lafang sa tanghali, et cetera et cetera.

At nag-isip ang Abba: magkano ang sinasahod ng mga manchung manggagawa sa teritoryo ng Hong Kong? Iba kaya ito sa mga sinasahod ng mga anime-hairstyled hairstylists sa sandamakmak na bilang ng mga parlor dito? Bakit walang minimum wage dito samantalang ang mga foreign domestic workers meron? Bakit stunted pa rin ang sahod ng mga domestic workers kahit may minimum allowable wage? Bakit may ilang pinatalsik sa trabaho after na malamang HIV+ sila? Bakit dumarami ang grassroots kahit pa predominantly middle class society ang HK?

Bakit matitipuno ang mga katawan ng mga manchung manggagawang ito kahit hindi nagji-gym? Ito ang huling sentence na me question mark na pumasok sa utak ng Abba.

Napansin nya: bukas si zipper ng kanyang pants!

(buti wang itnigims.)

photocourtesy: www.chonghead.net, ahc-semanario.

Tips Against Arroyo's Human Security Act

(Kailangan ko tong ilagay ngayon habang mainit-init pa.)

Remember the Absconders Apprehension Initiative in the U.S. that criminalized many TNTs or undocumented people there, detached them from their whole families, denied them of their rights, and shackled their hands, torso and feet for the whole duration of their deportation (I refuse to call it repatriation!) back to their countries like the Philippines?

It gave birth to Homeland Security Act which Gloria Arroyo copied in verbatim but changed the word from "homeland" to "human". How ingenious!

By now, many of us have read about its possible impact in the papers, read words or seen actions of condemnation and resistance from various organizations and individuals like Conrad de Quiros, and possibly have felt an eerie feeling like Ferdinand's dark era has gone back to poison the air.

While I won't go through the whole full monty about the law (read Tonyo's entry on that), I am giving away tips I got from an organization. Here goes:

a) Always assert your rights and to be always aware of the issues by joining rallies and forums

b) Make your voice heard! The best counter-measure is awareness. One should always be on the alert and not allow oneself to be cowed by this law.

c) When going out, always tell someone where you're going and your estimated time of arrival in your destination.

d) Always go in groups. Always be alert of suspicious individuals.

e) If being followed or monitored, do not panic and go to a crowded place and ask for help. Take note of the face, build, and other features of the individuals stalking you.

f) Take note or make a list of suspicious persons hanging around and vehicles parked near your home or office. If possible, take a picture.

g) If you're being forcibly taken, make a scene. Shout your name or organization, and ask for help. (Kahit afraid ako, this made me smile. I could just imagine how gays, activist or not, would find creative ways to do this.)

h) If someone is being taken, help him or her. If not possible, take a picture.

i) Report any abuse by the police, military, or any government agency under HSA to the media.

j) Always remember that people should not be afraid of the government. The government should be afraid of its people. (Remember V for Vendetta?)

The threats are not just real, they're already happening.

Be not afraid. But be angry. Be very angry.

Sounding the Alarm

Being HIV positive is not the least bit fascinating.

It is like having a heart disease for life although my doctors told me it was better than having diabetes. With the medicines so readily available nowadays, you can be sure to live longer than cancer patients, anemics or the elderly staying in big polluted cities like Manila.

At one point, I agreed. At the other, I didn't. It does not provide good feeling to be simply compared to terminally ill patients. It is like indirectly saying to me, "Wait till you have AIDS."

The whole thing provided me with a wholly different perspective.

I rethought about my sexual relations with some friends, friends with benefits as Meredith described them. I cut the sexual ties with some of them, which led to a few disintegrating into either indifference, contempt or unfamiliarity. A few held on and kept in touch.

I started contemplating about the significance of a relationship and the need to stop desperately finding a genuine one in Hong Kong. It is awfully difficult and it is normal. That last realization took awhile to sink in and finally gained acceptance from my end.

It made me think about sex and why it is important but not integral. Why it is there but why I should not have it all the time. Why it should not be solely equated with being gay but why it is, still. Why... so many why's.

I began reading more about the virus and the people who have it. I am one of those now and I should learn how to deal with it. Fighting an unknown enemy is surely a battle lost at the onset.

I talked to friends of friends and we formed a group. We talked about a variety of issues and situations and experiences: diets, vitamins, those cocktails of pills and capsules they take everyday and which I dread to take soon, a healthy sex life, sex and responsibility, drugs and why we should never take them, reaching out to young people, reaching out to people who don't have it, reaching out to people who don't know anything about it. And yes, reaching out to people who don't want to understand it.

I continued living after that eventful moment of disclosure, struggling through every single day more than I did before. I think I lived quite ordinarily and uneventfully.

Until the other week. A friend working in AIDS Foundation told me that the number of people who contracted HIV between January to March 2007 has shot up to 95. Between October and December 2006, it was 91. Majority of them were men who had sex with men.

It didn't reach a hundred but surely the sheer number is something 100% worth-worrying about. Many of those with the virus are between 18-21 years old, have taken soft to hard drugs (imagine e for ecstasy, ketamine and viagra as soft drugs, ice or meth or shabu as the hard drug) and have engaged in multiple sex relations (either in an orgy or "party" as the circuit guys have tagged it here, or several one-night or one-hour stands.)

This is in Hong Kong where the infrastructure is so modern and developed but the culture is so traditional and unaccepting, backward and suppressed.

I begin to wonder how gays in my country the Philippines have started thinking or talking about these things. If the institutions (i.e. state, church, media and schools) have taken the issue seriously and gone through intensive education drives. If those owning saunas and bars and discos, those in service institutions or organizations like Reach Out, have kept the talk rambling and loud, albeit hopefully not tokenistically or so monotonously long to desensitize the people.

I have nothing against the last groups I mentioned. We need spaces like these in society.

I am just worried and I am sounding the alarm.

Learning to wear a condom did not prohibit me from being infected.

It didn't stop the disease. At my end.

It didn't end the intolerance and denial. At the other.

Abba in Springfield

Aykentbelevet!

Finally, after a long wait, I am already here.

Naririto na ako ngayon at abot-tanaw ang napakaprestihiyosong syudad ng Springfield. Handa na ako, yes, i am ready, handa na akong rumampa at tumulong sa kanilang town-building.

Nais kong makausap ang mga promising fathers sa tavern ni Moe at sabihin sa kanilang madali lamang gumawa ng organic beer. Just make sure na me cherry and butter beers for us kids.

Makikipag-ututang-dila ako sa mga nanay na namamalengke sa Kwik E-mart at kukwentuhan sila tungkol sa possible harm na maaaring idulot ng eventual take-over ng Wal-mart sa kanilang lugar.

At sasabak ako sa sayawan at chikahang pang-umagahan sa mga party animals na nagtatrabaho sa isang steel mill just outside Springfield at hikayatin silang tumulong sa HIV education drive. Ang dami-dami na kasing +++ dito sa HK!

Hindi naman ako dyosa na tagapaghatid ng mabuting balita at social transformation. Hindi ako mormon. At wala akong planong maging.

Mahalaga ang social and cultural integration. For all I know, alam na nilang lahat yan at me ginagawa na sila. Kailangan ko tong malaman so fly away na ako.


Isa lang ang aking problema - wala akong sasakyan.

blog hopping

aaminin ko: iilan lang ang binabasa kong blogs. it takes a lot of determination to jump from one blog to another, decide on what or whose you would want to read.

jessica zafra has definitely topped my list but so have the top 6 beauty titlists in my blog roll - mahirap magbigay ng pangalan, ching!

i am extending to more political, socially-engaging entries. reading ideas and insights of people can be very healthy.

aries does give good input on a myriad of issues so he'll stay with me.

i have to include mong and ina in my links kahit hindi sila bakla. ika nga ng aking blog description, dahil maraming ibig sabihin ang pag-ibig.

kailangang matutunan ang paglilink, ang pagme-maintain at ang patuloy na pagbabasa ng blog. malaking tulong ito if we all aim - for world peace.

blogging is god's way of telling you he can also be virtual. naniniwala ba ako sa dyos?



let me rephrase that: blogging is another very good way of telling people that the struggle can also be virtual.

Bakla, Hold On

Don't you know? Don't you know things can change, things'll go your way if you hold on for one more day

Habang hinahalungkat at hinahalughog ko with so much kafrantican ang mga papel at gamit dito sa opisina para sa 6 na pirasong dokumentong mas mahalaga pa sa buhay ko - sa ngayon - inisip kong dapat me backgroung music na tumutugtog.

Para pag umabot dun sa puntong parang hindi ko na talaga kaya, aabot na rin sa bridge section ng song ang mga singers at mararamdaman ko ang dilemma, ang matinding kontradiksyon. At lalaban ako, mararamdaman ko ang pangangailangang lumaban. To get a hold of myself and take control. To hold on.

Music plays a great deal in curbing and soothing this stressful life. At sa puntong ito ng isang bakla, at sa buhay ng maraming baklang hindi alam kung nasa closet pa rin sila kahit bukas na sila sa pamilya, mga kaibigan o kapitbahay nila...

Na parang ang kaligayahan at ang karapatang magmahal at mahalin ay mararanasan lamang sa loob ng isang kwarto, madilim na lugar ng sinehan, gay cruise, at kung walang tao...

Na hindi ka na papayag mabuhay sa loob ng kahong ginawa para sa yo, kahit pa punung-puno ito ng colors of the wind, ng rainbow at may ribbonettes and buttons pa. Kasi kaya mong maging isang buong tao sa labas ng maganit at matinik na kahong ito... anu bang ka-ekek-an na naman tong pinagsasabi ko?

At dahil dyan, niresearch ko ang lahat ng posibleng theme songs ng mga VIDA, o vaklang in deep agony chu. HOLD ON.

Hold On ng Wilson Phillips ang unang pumasok sa isip ko. Very apt. Girls pa ang mga singers, especially Chynna in her tight little black dress and thigh-high boots habang bumibirit ng Hold ooooon!

Naalala ko ang En Vogue and remembered they have a Hold On of their own. Mas naalala ko sila, though, sa kanilang shining shimmering splendid na silvery slip dresses habang nagse-sway at kumakanta ng Never Ever Gonna Get It.

And then went on to see other singers with their own Hold On songs:

Tom Waits - wit. Young Buck featuring 50 Cent - unless you like rap, wit! Tim Armstrong - pwede na pero, wit! Jet - keri lang for Spiderman fans. Jonas Brothers - uhm, wit? Limp Bizkit for The Crow - pwedeeee namaaaan. Maroon V - type ko sila pero di ko pa naririnig. Blink 182 - uhm, di pa rin. Stellar Kart - RELIGIOUS! WIT! (Ching!)

Reef. Razorlight. B*witched. Take that. Xscape. Benita Washington. Ian Gomm (after hindi natanggap sa Abba). Wit wit wit wit wit wit wit!

John Lennon, keri lang. Sarah Maclachlan, labs her. Good Charlotte, lovely! Someone singing for Aaliyah, kay lang. Neko Case, di mukhang sabon at maganda ang song!

To top this Hold On whatever entry, let me give you the man who possibly has sung another Hold On song. Except that he is so good-looking in this video. Laddies and gentlemen, Dave Gahan:

Annie and Imogen

Seeing Annie play in Mandaya's blog got me digging into my virtual rubbish pile and brought her music back to life.

I don't know if I am some masochist but her songs do slice painfully well into one's flesh like Chef Kenji knifing salmon for sashimi. Annie lets you walk through broken glass while purveying to the whole word the weirdly beautiful mickey look. Oh what the freaking hell, she still looks beautiful to me and a lot better looking than David Bowie.

And then comes Imogen.

And then she comes like hell on earth, looking more like Alanis in her early years but with a strong dash of Annie. Their videos look morbidly similar albeit Imogen probably makes sure her Chinese stamp, if ever she has one, is conspicuous in them.

And she has a softy-touchy feel and some upbeat songs, if upbeat would be the most apt word for Goodnight and Go and what have you.

I was introduced to her in The Last Kiss and looked for her ever since.

I love her as much as I love Annie!

Imogen seems to typify the music of an aloof but bright-eyed, urban but dreading commercial, almost metro but preferring uber, homo-cat in today's world.

Inisip ko lang 'to. Feeling ko, ako ang tini-typify nya.

Creed: Taking the steps back one at a time

Let me tell you the story of Creed, a very fine-looking vase yet with a very empty fill.

A few nights ago, he went searching for sex. His urges were as high as the eighth heavens and he felt the need to fulfill them.

He couldn't think or work. All he thought of was sex. And that's all he would work for. At least for that night.

As it has always been accessible and "acceptable" in the city, sex was found on the internet and the timing for meet-up was impeccable. He has done this before and he knew it wouldn't go wrong. The urges were burning and he had to douse them before they completely consume him.

Soon enough, he arrived at the doorstep and was welcomed by two men.

Inside, there was a bed, a pack of condoms on the side and a few drinks on the table. Somewhere near the foot of the bed he saw some glass containers but could not figure out what they were. It was dim and the only light available came from a laptop playing gay porn.

Shallow conversations ensued and spiked drinks were exchanged. At the shot of the drink, Creed felt differently and laid down on the bed. Hands moved and everything was working accordingly. Or so it seemed.

Later on, one of the glass containers was brought up by one of the two men and started filling it specks of white crystals.

Creed's sight was blurry but he knew what it was.

Like shisha, it was taken by each of the two men and later on offered to Creed. Despite the inner struggles, he succumbed to his sexual urges and to the two men.

He puffed the "shisha" and everything spiraled everywhere.

He was selfless and very giving. He was shedding tears from utter pain he couldn't seem to fathom why he couldn't feel. He wanted to struggle but he already gave in.

Just as he was giving himself all too willingly to his gods, it snapped. Right in front of him.

He stood up, immediately donned his clothes and left.

Walking very fast, he slowed down gradually and walked aimlessly towards home not looking back.

He felt very empty. And stupid.


He took crack.

He took crack just for sex.

Ban-ban

Every man he sees is his dad - me, my gay friend, our Indonesian intern and the lesbian client up in the shelter.

He speaks fluent English at the age of 3 but can understand Bahasa, Tagalog and even Cantonese. Lahat ba naman ng lahi kasama mo sa iisang bahay kungdi tumalas ang dila mo? I am convinced then that children like Ban-ban are big mushes of sponge siphoning every information they can get from the external environment.

He is very funny - he would say "susu" and point at his nipples. He is one ravenous peanut butter fingering monster, almost finishing my big jar of Skippy. He prefers wasabe-flavored seaweed wraps over Cadbury chocolates. He likes action and, at an early age, he knows he isn't gay. (But how would he know? Naah, too early to tell.)

Ban-ban is a sweet kid in his own very special way. I got angry at him last night for playing with the computer's switch. I raised my voice and told him to stay out of the PC. He bowed his head, went to the Indonesian and stayed quiet. He didn't cry.

This morning, we met. He ran up to me and raised his arms - his way of saying "I am very light. Carry me!" As soon as I raised and rested him in my chest, he started kissing every part of my face. He didn't say sorry, although those kisses were his way of expressing, "Kiss kita, bati na tayo ha?"

I have no plans of having children but Ban-ban is exceptional. Maybe I should start looking for another dad - that way, we can both father him.

We are a family, like a giant tree, branching out for the sky...

yelo

mabigat ang dibdib ko kahit wala akong suso

at kahit magbra, mabigat pa rin.

parang lulugwak ang puso mula sa iniisip kong suso
lulugwak, tatalon mula sa dibdib kong matipuno

babagsak sa sahid, magkikikisay.
mamamatay sa lamig.


wala akong eyeliner na dapat problemahin
kung umiyak man, walang putik na kukulay.

papatak ang luhang magiging niyebe
at mamumuti ang buong kapaligiran.


inabot ako ng lamig sa unang araw ng tag-init

nanunuot sa lalamunan

nagpamanhid ng aking gising pang diwa

nagpayanig sa aking buong katawan

humiwa sa aking kaluluwa.


hindi matutumbasan ng north pole

ang tumutusok na lamig

na dulot ng yelong aking nginuya

sinipsip

at nilulon




ng gabing iyon.

10 years of solitude

he enters, he comes.
he leaves, he goes out.

he enters, he comes.

he leaves, he goes out.

he enters he comes he leaves he goes out

he enters me
he comes
he comes
he comes

enters he leaves comes he goes out he comes

comes
enters
out
leaves
he
he
he


he


he enters
he comes
he leaves


he goes out




.

White Dragon

I chased it tonight. All for rey, sew, pew, rew, sey.

I think I need help.

O

Isa sa mga lalaking minamahal ko. Feeling ko, naging Deena Jones ako, nag-frizz ang coiff, nagpearly shells ang fingers at nagkaroon ng back-up dancers habang kumakanta ng awiting ninakaw kay Effie. Ano nga kaya kung manirahan na ako sa Pransya nang lumigaya kami ng tuluyan? Tse!

Ang Pinakamasayang Araw ng Buhay Ko

Hindi ko alam kung bakit sa lahat na lang ng mas magagandang choices, ito pa ang napili kong pinakamasayang araw sa buong buhay ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit:

1) Maaga lang naman akong nagising at inattempt na ayusin ang nawariwar na mga blogs ko dala ng matinding katangahan sa html. Hanggang ngayon, 9:44 ng gabi, tila wala pa ring pag-asang gumanda ang mga napango, nasunog at tila sadyang tinalikdan ng langit na blogs ko. Kailangang mag-enrol sa Samsonite Institute of Blog Fashion. Baka may pag-asa pa.

2) Pumunta ako sa Victoria Park ng, again, napaka-aga. July 1 kasi ngayon at 10th anniversary ng handover ng Hong Kong sa China. Pinapunta kami ng isang kaibigang chenes (chinese, mga bakla!) para tumulong sa kung anik-anik doon. Nakatulong naman ako kahit papaano - nagsabit kami ng mga "Dito papuntang assembly area." at "Kung bakla ka, fly na sa soccer pitch 4 kasi puro lesbyana ang hahawak ng gahiganteng rainbow flag!" May isang bakla namang tumugon.

3) Dumaan ako sa HK Central Library para umupo sa aking Causeway Bay throne. Ang maganda sa Hong Kong, maraming public toilets. At mas maganda pa, gumagana and even in mint condition ang lahat ng faucets, soap dispensers at ang hand dryer. Me note pang kasama: to contribute to environmental protection, use the hand dryer. Palaisipan pa rin sya sa akin hanggang ngayon. Bakit?

4) Martsa fatale ang mga migrante. Me gimik kaming mga payong na me nakapatong na telang ini-spray-an ng chinese characters meaning "Minimum Wage Increase Now!" Me dance number pang nalalaman ang mga Indonesiang biba habang nagchachant ng kayankong, chinese for, again, see the quoted sentence above. Nakakatuwang tignan ang mga chekwang nadadaanan namin - ngingiti sila oras na maintindihan kung ano ang pinaghuhumiyaw namin sa daan, makiki-chant, makikisayaw at magtha-thumbs up, magte-take ng pictures at hahabol ng tingin kahit pa malayo na kami - a la Maykel habang tinitignang papalayo ang lumilisang Druids, isang tunay na istoryang bakla.

5) Masakit ang mga paa ko dahil nagboots ako. Feeling ko uubuhin ako kasi tagaktak ang sweat and tears ko at walang panahong makapagpalit sa kahabaan ng Hennessy Road na nilalakbay. Mapapaos ako sa pangunguna ng chanting at pag-agitate sa mga Indonesiang Bahasa at Cantonese lang ang naiintindihan.

6) Pero maligaya ako kahit pa napadpad ang pwet ko sa kama dito sa Kowloon Side at tinatanaw ang mga fireworks sa Hong Kong Island. Maligaya ako kahit isang hopya at ang natitirang corned beef lang ang kinain ko ngayon.

7) Maligaya ako kasi narealize kong marami akong kaibigang mga instik na socially involved din pala. Mga baklang sasama sa martsa kahit pa mag-ibig sabihin ito ng dagdag varicose sa mga matatanda, sweat-smelling armpits (ay fad and fave pala ito dito. naaah, it's a good thing!) sa mga nakasando at kawalang ganda pagdating ng gabi. Alas sais na ng gabi, me umaakyat pa rin ng Battery Path at dumadaan sa Central Government Office. Parang pilgrimage talaga ang dating ng July 1 na ito!

8) Pag-uwi dito sa bahay, sinundan ko ang istorya ni Mandaya, hinihintay mahinog ang picture ni Athan sa bahay ni Bananas, hinanap ang kumento ng mga baklang naspecial mention sa last entry ng LTE at nalamang wang sagot ang mga hitad (HU-WHY? chika lang.) at nagkandirit sa sandamakmak na blogs.

Yun siguro ang ikinaligaya ko. Maligaya ako kasi sa mga ordinaryong bagay, lumiligaya ako.

Kasi para sa akin, hindi sila ordinaryo.

itnigims - with the < br > taken out

isa sa mga iilang araw na walang ulan, nagkukumahog na akong papuntang kowloon park. IT'S SWIMMING TIME!

hindi ko na inalintana kung puro matatanda ang mga nagsiswimming sa umaga at scarce talaga ang mga kaidaran at kabaklaan ko. nandun naman ako para magswimming at hindi humada. charot!

dun sa pinakamalaking outdoor pool ako lumangoy. palusong na ako sa tubig nang makita ko si kuya.

oo, si kuya. nakapulang shorts, dilaw na sando, shades at tsinelas - dress-up ng mga lifeguards dito - nakaladlad ang mamaskel na legs, mabalahibong hita, maputing talampakan at... at...

at ang naghuhumiyaw nyang itlog. dumungaw mula sa kanyang shorts habang nakataas ang isang paa. hindi nya namamalayang mailantad ang kakinisang taglay nito.

ITNIGIMS! ITLOG NI GIMAAAAAAW!

at napalusong akong muli ng tubig. kailangang iswimming ito. feeling ko nabasag ang patubigan ko.

testing

testing

testing

testing

testing

testing

this is the only testing i will agree with. let's see if the paragraphs show up.

still nothing. DARNIT!

blogging isn't just skin deep

for days now, i have been attempting to redesign my blog.

i want to give it a look that is my own. something funky. youthful yet agitating. possibly militant but cool to the soul.

and then it hit me. tonight.

aside from all paragraphs losing out their privacy to one another, i realized how stupid i was in actually going out and pursuing the cause without really planning about it. it was a hit and miss thing for me.

stupid as it sounds but true, i did just read a portion of this blog adviser to that of another's and then some of the next helper's, etc. and then off i go to experimenting with this blogger template to another and another and another, ad nauseam.

and then i stumbled on this blogger's entry. sa esensya, kung ano ang sinusulat natin ang mahalaga sa blog. the look plays a secondary role although just as important since it complements, should complement, the blogger's entries, his/her world, views, etc.

natali ata ako sa physical attractiveness phenomenon. funny i thought about that when i have learned to be indifferent about beauty pageants, if not totally abhoring it. looks does matter but it's what you say that counts the most.

as for the beauty pageant thing, next entry na lang yan. pagtatrabahuhan ko pa kung paano paghiwahiwalayin ang mga paragraphs ko sa kanilang grand orgy!

darn it, ngayon naman kailangan pa akong maglagay ng mga pesteng < p > sa bawat paragraph. peste!