From Ariel to Triton: Conversations with Tatay

My Tatay and I did not see each other for more than 12 years and I dearly missed him.

While memories of childhood remain as vivid like they just happened yesterday, it was the good ones that I kept flashing my torch on. And that was what I carried with me when I visited him and my three other siblings.

My Tatay had a heart attack and was scheduled to go through two major heart operations. At 80 years old.

When I knew about his condition on New Year’s Day of 2008, I knew I had to do everything in my power to see him. Kahit pa bali-baligtarin ko ang mundo, basta magkita lang kami ng Tatay ko.

So I made sure. And I know it was not going to be that easy. Being a Filipino, one knows how difficult it is to apply for a visa to a first-world country. I have been refused once by the same consulate so I prepared for the worst. Apparently, on the same day I applied, I got me my visa.

And next thing I knew, I was there standing in front of my Tatay while he was lying in his hospital bed looking back at his bunso. And without saying a word, we knew that we were satisfied just by looking at each other. Finally, we have met again.

Feisty Tatay

My Tatay lived through two major heart operations. Sabi nga ng mga duktor: Tatay is a fighter. He made sure he will survive this one.

And he made me proud. Tatay ko eh.

And maybe that’s what I got from him – his feistiness, his desire for life.

When he knew about my activism, he did not say a word. Whenever we would talk over the phone, he would ask how I was and he would start going on talking about what he was cooking, what telenovela he was watching and how the pears are growing in big numbers at the backyard.

I would talk about my overnights at a workers’ strike while he would brag about his delicious won tons. He knew that I could take care of myself. And while I knew he was worried sick about me, he would not dare have me feel even a tinge of it. My father gave me that freedom to do what I want. And he believed in me.

Maraming Tatay

Once, we had a lengthy talk about the people I have met through activism.

I began by blurting out a secret: I have many fathers. Upon hearing, his forehead knotted and he asked me how that could have happened.

I happily answered. My activism brought me to many homes. Of farmers. Of workers. Of poor people. Of indigenous men and women. All of whom welcomed me and treated me like one of their kin.

I told my Tatay that despite their situation, they have been the most generous fathers and mothers I have met. The stories they tell about the sacrifices they have made for their children always break my heart. But their stories of struggle and involvement keep it strong.

It is this wellspring of optimism that a better life awaits their children and their children’s children from the struggles that they make that keep me going. Parang motolite. Parang Energizer batteries. Parang haplos ni Inay.

Halfway through my story, I saw my Tatay looking outside the window but listening intently. Out of the blue, he snickered and said: “Isa ka nga sa sakit ng ulo ni Gloria. Kahit ilang medicol inumin nya, hindi mawawala.”

Looking Forward

My Tatay and I have outlived our differences. We embrace our similarities and accept the things that neither of us can change – like the distance we have between us, the life I have chosen and that piece of equipment embedded in his heart. Agimat nya daw yan kaya di mawawala.

When we parted ways, I carried a heavy heart but he told me to take heed. Marami naman daw akong Tatay at marami pang magiging tatay. At sana maging tatay daw ako.

I answered back: You are right. With the struggle, we will never run out of fathers. And mothers.

You are the inspiration for my being. And for what I do. And why I do it.

When you turned my fins into feet, you let me choose freely the way I want to use them.

And I can safely and proudly say, Tatay, I did.

Ate Kuya

Aaminin ko, muntik na nya akong mapaniwala.
Na sya ang nawawalang kapatid nina Tony Chan (yung nagpapanggap na lover ni Nina Wang sa Hong Kong) at Roderick Paulate. Na matindi ang influence from Kuya Germs.

Si Kuya Germs, napapaniwala ako. Itong si Ate Kuya, malabo...

Abba in Sabah

Isang linggo akong mawawala.
Lalapang ng saba sa Sabah.

Being Ariel

I became Poseidon's youngest daughter just for one time tonight.

Ganito sya.

I was doing my usual laps at the Kowloon Park Swimming Pool. Kahit pa known cruising place ito sa Hong Kong, deadma lang ako at kuntodo sa pagfrog kick, flip ng fins and everything Ariel would do with her two feet. In the water.

Nang aking masubaybayan si kuyang hindi gaanong kagwapuhan. Chika with a chekwa to his left for quite a while.

After my Nth lap, I noticed wa na silang dalawa sa shallow end. So I thought, ay baka they already hit one of those steamy cubicles - the pool's version of bathhouses' private rooms.

But no. As I was doing my breaststroke for my Oth lap, nakita ko si kuya swimming a few feet ahead of me.

As he was nearing the end of the deep side of the pool, tumigil si kuya, held on to the line and tried to stretch his left leg. He had cramps.

Ay day, I immediately swam faster towards him as I noticed him slowly getting into a panic.

Lapit agad ako and told him to hold on to the line tightly, relax, calm down, hold on to me (and that's when I realized this potato was six foot tall and quite double the size of beautifully petite me.)

And habang lumulubog ako ng konti at nakakainom ng konting tubig rich with chlorine, I asked him to shout for help pag hindi na nya kaya. Aba'y nagwave lang kay mamang lifeguard habang lumalagok ng tubig.

So I did what was necessary: I became his spokesperson and shouted for help.

Mamang lifeguard noticed, threw the salbabida (to the wrong lane) and dove right away. Nasagip naman si kuya although feeling ko nahiya sya kasi tinignan sya ng maraming utraz.

Eeksena pa sana ako kaya lang dinumog na sya ng sandamakmak na lifeguards na kepopogi at kemamacho at itnigims kuntodo. What gives pa diba? Ang mahalaga, he is now safe on land.

So deadma na lang. I finished my last two laps and left.

As I was heading out of the park, I realized how good it felt to help that guy. Kahit hindi pa sya si Eric.

I sheepishly smiled as I hummed my way back to the office:

I don't know when, I don't know how...